So, have you guys started thinking about kids yet?: Why I will backhand the next person who asks

Helloo again, world.

I’m back from the shadows with another blog post. This past month and a half has been unbelievably dense (in a good way), for lack of a better word.

For those of you who don’t know, I’m engaged *cough cough, finally*!! But my fiancé and I also purchased our first home! (A blog post on life updates is coming soon.)

Never the freaking less, since my engagement and even sometime before, I am constantly asked about children. “So when are you going to pop one out?” To which I’d like to respond, “maybe after I pop you in the mouth!” Or my favorite, “I can’t wait to see you and Ricardo’s baby(s)! They’ll be so cute!” And I’m just like ……..

Can I enjoy my new house and my engagement? Or nah! Like damn, let me breath and bask in the moment. But instead of being happy for us, y’all are too busy looking for the next big moment. Chill out, have a seat, and STOP making assumptions about what may or may not come out of my vagina. I don’t know y’all like that.

So, here are a 5 reasons why EVERYONE needs to stop projecting their baby shit on me.

1. You should not assume that every woman wants kids. It’s 2017 bruh. There’s so many things I want to do with my life. Despite what society portrays as normal, I don’t need a baby to feel complete in life. The fact that I need to put this in writing is just shocking. Also, before you go around talkin’ about goo goo gah gah, do you even know if the woman can have kids or not? What if she can’t and feels insecure about it? Now you’ve made her feel even worse about herself by making it seem as if having a kids is the only option in this life. If you don’t, you’re basically useless as a woman.

 

2. As I’ve seen in many other blogs that have posted about this topic (clearly I’m not the only one annoyed), this world is horrible. I’m a pessimist. Period. But in case you didn’t know, I’m also black. I am confident with who I am as a black woman, but I had to fight to get to where I am today. I used to think straight hair was beautiful and black people’s hair was nappy and ugly. I thought that lighter skin meant prettier. I’ve felt inferior to my white peers. I thought that as a woman, I just wasn’t capable of doing what a man could. Simply because I’m a woman.

Now, I obviously know that I’m a queen and I slay, but damn.

It took so much to get here. I don’t want to bring a daughter into a world where she’ll already have to work 10 times harder to still not be treated on equal footing as her white peers. She didn’t ask for that. And a boy. Forget about it. I’m not about to explain how horrible black men are treated. If you don’t know or doubt my words, this is not the blog for you.

I’m not saying I’m not capable of raising confident capable kids. But what I am saying is if anyone tries to step to my kid, I would step to them and most likely end up behind bars. Especiallyyyyyyyyyyy if it’s over racism. So it’s better for all of y’all that I don’t bear children.

3. There are so many kids that need adopting in the United States. According to childrensrights.org in 2015, 670,000 children spent time in a foster home. Instead of “popping more kids out” we could all just adopt instead. I am all for it! And like hellooooo, I would like to NOT use up all of the natural resources on planet Earth. After I die, y’all bishes can do what you want. But while I’m here, I’d like to NOT experience the end of the world.

The crazy thing is, I can see many of you thinking

And in reality, I could care less. You guys can get mad at Trump for cutting funding for the environment, but you’re want to pop out 2-3 kids. That’s like 90,000 gallons of water! And we are not even going to talk about how much trash that is.

4. Having a baby because your friend is cute, and your friend’s partner is cute and you’re curious to know what that baby will look like, IS NOT A GOOD REASON. I literally do not do things anymore if I don’t see the purpose behind them. My time is precious. My life is precious. And those are two things I refuse to waste. Especially, by following some arbitrary life path that’s projected onto me by society. We used to think slavery was a good idea. Look where that got us.

 

5. And last but one billion percent not least, I am soooo cool with the way my body is right now. I run, I eat healthily (besides my nightly dessert), I have no stretch marks, I don’t pee when I sneeze or cough, I have a four-pack. I’m good. Literally chillen! I’m also a psychopath that’s already crazy and has random mood swings where I look at a picture of puppies and cry. And I mean UGLY cry.

OMG IT’S SO PRECIOUS
Now, add a little baby seed that’s going to grow inside of me, mooch off of my food supply, sit on my bladder, give me stretch marks, take away my four pack (not just the abdominal one), cause my ugly cries to be even uglier. Nahhh, I’m good thanks.

And if you dare think “well you can just go to the gym after, and work hard to get your body back,” ask yourselves these questions,

Do you even go to the gym?

Were you ever an athlete, a reaallll athlete?

Are you a man?

Depending on the answers to those questions, I have a few cliffs I can direct you towards. Especially if you are a man and will: never carry a baby, push a baby out of your vagina, have horrible mood swings, complain about trivial things, and the deathly list goes on.

So my friends and family, I hope this was informative and caused you to stop projecting your wants and desires onto me and my vagina. Because we are not having it. IFFFFF I decide to have A kid, I (capitalized for emphasis) will inform YOU. If you think it’s the other way around, I will block you and you will be the last to know if I ever become pregnant (family or not!).

P.S. Donald Trump is reason enough for everyone to get their tubes tied. But we won’t go there today.

Good. Effing. Day.


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